Hindrance

One day, I will be delivered from my preoccupation with the thoughts of other people.

Soon.

Amen.

Thin Ice...

As the season changes and things get warmer outside, for some reason, I'm chilly. Frigid, even.

I've mentally retreated from the fresh sunshine and the budding greenery all around me. It's all beautiful, but the sight of it has not uplifted me. Not yet, at least.

Not myself right now. I'm cold.

My body is here. Mind? Displaced. In the Arctic desert. Strolling. Meandering.

I know my way back to safety. Just have to look to the light.

I have wandered off too far, however. The congealed ground beneath me has begun to part.

HELP!

Who am I kidding...I'm the only one out here. Sound advice rejected. Former friends have neglected.

So what do I do now?

Out here on thin ice. Hoping not to fall into the void caused from struggles within.

What if I fall? Walk on water? Keep swimming?

Can't sink. I just can't.

I need instinct to kick in. To save me. To rescue me.

That's what I get for wandering on thin ice. I thought the silence would be refreshing, but...

I'm lonely, instead.

Man was not meant to be alone. Where is my neighbor?

Rejection is Hard...

I was summarizing my night at the karaoke bar to a friend of mine.

I told him about a friend that was trying to play "love connector". Truth be told, I was appreciative of his efforts, for he just wanted to see me happy(er). Somewhere in my head, however, I thought there was no point, but I let him play his role. When it was brought to my attention that both people he whispered to (on my behalf) said that I "wasn't their type", I reminded myself and my friend that I told him he did not have to say or do ANYTHING. I was pissed, to say the least. Men definitely can't handle when their egos take a blow. Maybe my low expectations caused my own denial (but I don't feel like debating myself right now).

Anyways...after I told this to my other friend, here's how the convo went:

Him: "Yeah, rejection is hard."

Me: "And I avoid rejection by staying 'shy'."

Him: "It's a part of life, though."

Me: "I know. I'm just not strong enough to bear it right now. Or maybe, I just don't want to."

After I texted this, I was taken aback at what I'd said. I think I've gotten to the bottom of my recent wuss moments. Avoiding rejection...staying safe...it appears that my holding back is holding me back...not just on the dating scene, but with everything else I have going on. The fix for this problem is a work-in-progress. To be continued...

Airplane Thoughts, Part 2

(Tuesday, January 4, 2010)

So...about this past New Year's weekend...

Making this trip was one of the better life decisions I've made (understatement). Until the level of friendship I have in my hometown matches that of which I have travelled to, it will be necessary for me to travel at least once per quarter, if not more. I am grateful that my abased income has allowed me to travel as much as I have. I count my blessings on a daily basis, and having good people in my life-near and far-ranks high with me. I can say that they have been worth every investment I have made, be it of time and/or finances.

So...about this past New Year's weekend...

I have made note of the investments requisite for me to make this year. I have thought about it, visualized it, and weighed out the pros and cons. What's left? Execution. The simple part. The laborious part. The necessary part. School, occupation, career, residence, location, fitness, self-image are some of the things I'm working on. I will not make the mistake some have made and call these "New Year's Resolutions", you know, those augmentations to life folk like to make that do not make it to February, totally disparaging the word itself.

To be called resolute means that you are both staunch and steadfast, emphasis here being on character and a firm adherence to your own goals and purposes.

So much for a resolution if you aren't resolute.