Got Patience?

Waiting…I need to learn how to do that.

[Friday, March 11, 2010]

Some of MOST of these self-improvements I have been working on require time and patience, both of which I feel like I don’t have. I feel, sometimes, that I have a window of time to get certain things (pertaining to my destiny) accomplished or else I’ll miss my season. I tend to rush myself to get better and put pressure on myself because of that. The problems are probably all in my head.

In English class recently, we studied Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie. One of the main characters, Laura, has a limp that is corrected by a leg brace. Along with her shyness, this brace made her quite insecure. She was set up on a date with a secret high school crush of hers that worked with her older brother. She recalls how she felt her leg brace was so loud and clunky, making her feel embarrassed during class, sitting in the back and not speaking up, while admiring her crush, Jim, from afar. Jim, however, brings to her attention that he never noticed the limp or the sound of the brace back then, and that due to her inferiority complex, she was magnifying a rather minute issue.

I have been in Laura’s shoes on many occasions, feeling overly self-conscious in certain settings, when likely, I’m not sticking out as much as I feel I am. I have more control over the situation than I act, and once I am more self-assured and confident in myself, my societal insecurities will eventually fade. But like I said, it’s gonna take time! So…looks like I gotta stop rushing the process. Patience…sigh…

Midterms...

[Thursday, March 11, 2010]

Well now I have gone through midterms at school. Looking back, I know that I could have done better, been more disciplined, not waited until the last minute to finish certain assignments, BUT I feel good about being productive again, especially as of late. It has helped my mood in so many ways, and I hope to…(correction) PLAN to maintain this upswing as long as possible. I already realize that maintenance is easier said than done. Often, it seems like just as soon as you gather some momentum in life, we are presented with a stumbling block to send us back downward. That’s how it’s been, and that’s how it will be.

^These aren't easy to maintain^

We do, however, have some control, over how we react at the stumbling block and how we push through after it has been hurdled. These days, I am looking to put my roller coaster mentality behind me, sliding up and down with my mood and my expectations for self. I have to be the one to cause my own turn around & maintain my focus on my prizes and my goals. I recognize that waiting on others to pull me out of my mental muck will not resolve how the muck got there in the first place. That is the main reason why I recently took a hiatus from the outside world – to get grimy and start repairs on some of my potentially fatal flaws. I am proud of the progress made, and it’s not over yet.

My grandmother, wise in the scriptures, always reminded me growing up that “the race is not given to the swift, nor the strong, but he that endures until the end.” Can’t let a cramp stop me now. Looks like I’ve gotten my second wind. Keep pushing!

Turning the Corner..

[Tuesday, March 9, 2010]

So…it’s been a rough season for ya boi lately over the past few weeks (see last blog). Have not been feeling like myself, have not been acting like myself. Actually, scratch that, I was returning to the mindset that got me ousted from Yale. I was beginning to push away any and every one, even those that were bearers of friendly advice. Rightfully so, the more I fed into my sour mood, the more sour I became. It dominated my thoughts, eventually dominating my intentions and actions.

I began to feel like a robot, going to class & work out of routine and lacking any inner motivation while doing so. I was mentally paralyzed.

Then came church on this past Sunday; the jolt of energy that I needed. Bishop Verrett went all over the Bible, focusing on man fulfilling his purpose in life, to rule and have dominion on earth. More importantly, he emphasized that the key started with having a mindset of dominion. He also talked about how what we think and how we think draw to us what we get. Timely message. Truth be told, I’ve had a few friends allude to the same principle with me in recent days, but it really sunk in that day.

People always talk about watching what you say; thinking before you speak. They could not be any more right about it. I have yet to reach the mountaintop, but I have reason to believe I am turning the corner. At least, that’s what I’m thinking…

What I Harbor...

[Sunday, March 7, 2010]

So I’m sitting up in my bed in the dark. Yet, you could still see the fire in my eyes. I am infuriated right now, and I don’t feel like restraining it anymore. Perhaps, this restraint is what is causing this; Pent-up for forever, with no one to release it to, since I’m sure God is tired of me complaining to him about it.

Let me just say it: I have an envy problem.

Now that that has marinated for a second, I will explain myself. Raise your hand if you have never had a best friend…oh, wow, just me? Wait, why am I so concerned about you all anyways?!? You are the source of my pain. I see what you all have that I’ve never enjoyed. A social life, friendship, some symbiotic. I need you, you need me types. Not this one way thing that I tend to get where I’m there for someone but when I need them, the favor isn’t returned to me. I don’t know how y’all do it. Is it how I look? How I act? What’s wrong with me? Did I offend somebody? Am I not likable? Do I have a Kick Me sign on my back? A booger in my eye? Would all of that explain why I feel like such an afterthought…A late addition…A postscript…A tag along?

Hmm, on second thought, maybe it’s not your fault, people. Perchance I am finally seeing that another battle is being waged with my worst eneME…

Well…I’m not totally a bad potential friend. I think my heart is available to anyone that earns access to it. I am open and receptive to people; ready to love and be loved. So…what’s the problem? Am I a people pleaser? Do I try to “earn” friendships instead of “building” them? Am I jaded? Hurt by expecting too much from others to the point where I don’t let people get close? Naw…admittedly, I have been hurt. I have often expected too much. But I don’t really push people away like that. I usually just end up taking the pain in and living with it. Until I explode it fits of rage…kinda like this one where I speak my mind, BUT…don’t seek/find a suitable solution. Looks like I should stop waiting for a friend to prove themselves to me by saving me. I know that sounded selfish…

I need to look out for myself. I need to be my biggest priority. First things first, I gotta learn how to take a load off. The things that bind me up in my mind tend to get quite overwhelming when I don’t let them go.

I hope I haven’t scared you off with what I harbor in my head…I feel better now though. That’s not weighing me down anymore…

Amusement Park...

^ This will be her last time on this ride ^

Standing in line for what seems like forever, it's finally my turn to hop on board. My heart rate begins to rise, as my emotions change from impatience to excitement. I'm ready to roll, my hands already reaching towards the sky, suspending all thoughts of fear, for the feeling that I hope is near is a thrill.

There's only thing ruining my euphoric high right now, and that's my best friend. I had to drag him into this line. He's not really into amusement parks. In fact, I wonder if he's let his fear of heights get to him. When we got on the ride, he immediately held onto the bar and closed his eyes. And we haven't even got moving yet...guess I won't ask him to ride it again...

I decided to write about this because I kinda hit a rough patch in life lately. Actually, been hitting these patches quite often, and I don't want them to be a staple of my day-to-day. Going through the motions, doing the same things, getting the same results, all adding up to not making any forward progress. I'm a grown man now, and I can't afford to stay still. There's too much I am purposed to put into motion in this world, and it seems like fear is making me cling to safety, not ride this coaster like you saw above, rather than reach and fight for my destiny.

I need to get in line before this amusement park called 'Life' closes. I need not waste my cost of admission (purpose). God could have invested it elsewhere, but I was chosen for this ride. Might as well raise my hands and expect a thrill...just a thought...