What I Harbor...

[Sunday, March 7, 2010]

So I’m sitting up in my bed in the dark. Yet, you could still see the fire in my eyes. I am infuriated right now, and I don’t feel like restraining it anymore. Perhaps, this restraint is what is causing this; Pent-up for forever, with no one to release it to, since I’m sure God is tired of me complaining to him about it.

Let me just say it: I have an envy problem.

Now that that has marinated for a second, I will explain myself. Raise your hand if you have never had a best friend…oh, wow, just me? Wait, why am I so concerned about you all anyways?!? You are the source of my pain. I see what you all have that I’ve never enjoyed. A social life, friendship, some symbiotic. I need you, you need me types. Not this one way thing that I tend to get where I’m there for someone but when I need them, the favor isn’t returned to me. I don’t know how y’all do it. Is it how I look? How I act? What’s wrong with me? Did I offend somebody? Am I not likable? Do I have a Kick Me sign on my back? A booger in my eye? Would all of that explain why I feel like such an afterthought…A late addition…A postscript…A tag along?

Hmm, on second thought, maybe it’s not your fault, people. Perchance I am finally seeing that another battle is being waged with my worst eneME…

Well…I’m not totally a bad potential friend. I think my heart is available to anyone that earns access to it. I am open and receptive to people; ready to love and be loved. So…what’s the problem? Am I a people pleaser? Do I try to “earn” friendships instead of “building” them? Am I jaded? Hurt by expecting too much from others to the point where I don’t let people get close? Naw…admittedly, I have been hurt. I have often expected too much. But I don’t really push people away like that. I usually just end up taking the pain in and living with it. Until I explode it fits of rage…kinda like this one where I speak my mind, BUT…don’t seek/find a suitable solution. Looks like I should stop waiting for a friend to prove themselves to me by saving me. I know that sounded selfish…

I need to look out for myself. I need to be my biggest priority. First things first, I gotta learn how to take a load off. The things that bind me up in my mind tend to get quite overwhelming when I don’t let them go.

I hope I haven’t scared you off with what I harbor in my head…I feel better now though. That’s not weighing me down anymore…