Airplane Thoughts

(December 30, 2010, 5:10pm)

(Yeah, it's been MONTHS since I've posted on here...shame on me...)

Since I have 3 hours up here 37000 feet above ground heading towards Washingtion, DC (AGAIN!), I might as well take this time to debrief on 2010, AKA the year of 21.

I must admit, without too many bells and whistles, this year STILL came and went and left its mark. I've incorporated the perks (and the responsible stuff) of being a legal adult into my everyday routine. Seeing new places (DC), meeting new people, I've started allowing myself this year to be...myself, and I'm growing in "me" everyday. Of course, with any growth is going to come a little bit of pain, especially for THIS momma's boy. Whether I was ready for it or not, it's clear I am in sole control of Thalyn's destiny. There's that word - destiny. My dictionary calls destiny the "hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future". I can dig that definition, although that power - that anybody can wield - isn't so much "hidden" as it is "untapped", reliant on the individual to mold it as little or as much as possible.

(Selah)

"My dreams are what I'm racing with, but you can see I'm pacing it, so that I'm always chasing it." - Drake, "Fireworks"

I have a desire to have a multi-faceted career, incorporating my forthcoming psychology degree with my growing hobbies/interests in graphic design and photography. Not to mention that I might end up in my own pulpit before it's all said and done *chuckles to self*. I was well aware of these desires this time last year, but because of my uncertainty of how to make it happen, I did not push myself towards success. 365 days pass, thus, staying stagnant because of fear, and growing in frustration as time went on and on. But, it's funny how frustration one day can turn into resolve to correct what's wrong. Just had to refocus my energy. I honestly still don't know how the puzzle will fit together, but that'll be the journey of it all as my bro, Khyle would say it. If I have my way, 2011 will be a continuation of me deconstructing fear and doubt, dogma and tradition, and that lingering self-esteem issue and operating instead in my inner greatness. I

know it sounds like an abstract goal for some, but greatness is as real as it gets, once it's birthed in the mind.

(Selah)

"So as a man thinketh in his heart [that he is great], so is he [great]." - Proverbs 23:6

I think we're about to land soon, so I need to wrap this up. I must thank every person that I've interacted with this year. From the laughs and the gags, to the 4-letter words and the tears, I've learned a lesson from you that has influenced who I be now. But it doesn't stop here! Destiny awaits, so I need not tarry too long. Stay tuned...

Be Happy...

For the dumbest of reasons, I could have been the spokesperson for Zoloft the way I've been acting lately. (FYI: I'm not on that stuff! LOL)

When I first started blogging, I hoped to use this as an outlet for my thoughts, so that I won't think myself into a headache. Every now and then, my thoughts would leave an impression on a reader, which is what I aim to do. It's another thing, however, to pump out advice on here and not follow it myself. I have made a habit out of "smiling in public & crying in private", so to speak, only to surprise folk when it all falls down. Truth be told, my moods are mostly self-inflicted. It's my own fault for choosing to hang my head low. I won't even get into how many people wanna BOP me upside my head for not getting it together...

All in all, I just need to be happy. I've thought for a while that being committed to someone would solve my issues of being happy. Of course, a friend of mine today corrected me quickly: "how can you love someone else (or expect someone else to love you) when you don't love yourself?" Now surely, I love myself; can't say I have been acting like it though. If the name of my blog is any indication, I'm one to believe that how I think dictates how I act:

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." - Phillipians 4:8

That being said, let me think of a few things that really make me happy!

1. The Father! Get you some...LOL but for real, when I give Him the time He deserves, I'm the happiest man alive...hmm...

2. Family! You can't pick em, but I still love em!

3. Food! Speaking of which, I'm hongry. Bout to make some cajun catfish...

Just a thought, think happy, be happy...that is all! ;-)

HeadOn

So...I was sitting in church on Sunday, but I wasn't quite 100% present. This happens often; I'll start talking back and forth with God from within, yet somehow I'll have the stray thought that I'm as far away from Him, or that He's not gonna respond to my pleas. Eh...can't even blame the Devil for this one...Anyways, I was paying attention enough to recall what Bishop was talking about. Subject was David vs. Goliath. Topic: Face your Giants.

(Follow David's lead: Face your giant HeadOn)

(LOL - had a light-hearted moment)

After church, my post to Facebook was: Face your giants. Don't run from them. It is always best to attack your "opposition" before they establish a place of dominance in your life. Once in the driver's seat, it will start getting into your head, playing those mind games...I don't like playing those. I already have enough running...yes, running through my mind (it's a Libra thing) to have to deal with mental road blocks that keep me stuck when where I need to be is sitting right there beyond the giant in front of you.

Especially when that giant of mine is...me. No..seriously! Nobody beats me up like me (I have had the self-induced headaches to prove it). And I need to stop, cuz it's wearing me down, double time.

I know this seems like an obvious message, but whatever is standing in your way, make it move yourself. Gotta go through to get through...

Do U

What YOU see...is what YOU get.

there have been times when I have wanted to be the one in the middle of the circle at the club receiving 'oohs' and 'aahs' because of the way that I moved. unfortunately, I was blessed with my mother's rhythm, so instead of 'oohs', they might be 'boos' instead [love you, momma ;) ]. still in all, momma would be bold enough to step out there and get silly. not me. folk are mean.

so mean, that when I see a shirt in a store that I might wanna buy - just because it's something I wouldn't normally wear or don't have in my closet - my mind goes to what people (that i do/don't know) might say or think. sometimes, I'm concerned with the fact that all eyes are on me. "What is he wearing??" "Who does he think he is!" Or I hear my lil sister's 2 cents: "OMG, TJ that shirt is so gay looking." So...I'll put the shirt back on the rack, trying to save myself the pain. folk are mean.

always have been. always will be. so since folk will stay the same, why should I stay the same? the shell around me has been a hindrance for a little bit too long. beyond the thoughts of my Heavenly Father, there is only one opinion (even with everyone around having something to say) that matters most: your own. Just a thought, people always appreciate when you keep it real. deep down inside, you would appreciate it too. do yourself a favor. do you. cuz I'mma do me!

Got Patience?

Waiting…I need to learn how to do that.

[Friday, March 11, 2010]

Some of MOST of these self-improvements I have been working on require time and patience, both of which I feel like I don’t have. I feel, sometimes, that I have a window of time to get certain things (pertaining to my destiny) accomplished or else I’ll miss my season. I tend to rush myself to get better and put pressure on myself because of that. The problems are probably all in my head.

In English class recently, we studied Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie. One of the main characters, Laura, has a limp that is corrected by a leg brace. Along with her shyness, this brace made her quite insecure. She was set up on a date with a secret high school crush of hers that worked with her older brother. She recalls how she felt her leg brace was so loud and clunky, making her feel embarrassed during class, sitting in the back and not speaking up, while admiring her crush, Jim, from afar. Jim, however, brings to her attention that he never noticed the limp or the sound of the brace back then, and that due to her inferiority complex, she was magnifying a rather minute issue.

I have been in Laura’s shoes on many occasions, feeling overly self-conscious in certain settings, when likely, I’m not sticking out as much as I feel I am. I have more control over the situation than I act, and once I am more self-assured and confident in myself, my societal insecurities will eventually fade. But like I said, it’s gonna take time! So…looks like I gotta stop rushing the process. Patience…sigh…

Midterms...

[Thursday, March 11, 2010]

Well now I have gone through midterms at school. Looking back, I know that I could have done better, been more disciplined, not waited until the last minute to finish certain assignments, BUT I feel good about being productive again, especially as of late. It has helped my mood in so many ways, and I hope to…(correction) PLAN to maintain this upswing as long as possible. I already realize that maintenance is easier said than done. Often, it seems like just as soon as you gather some momentum in life, we are presented with a stumbling block to send us back downward. That’s how it’s been, and that’s how it will be.

^These aren't easy to maintain^

We do, however, have some control, over how we react at the stumbling block and how we push through after it has been hurdled. These days, I am looking to put my roller coaster mentality behind me, sliding up and down with my mood and my expectations for self. I have to be the one to cause my own turn around & maintain my focus on my prizes and my goals. I recognize that waiting on others to pull me out of my mental muck will not resolve how the muck got there in the first place. That is the main reason why I recently took a hiatus from the outside world – to get grimy and start repairs on some of my potentially fatal flaws. I am proud of the progress made, and it’s not over yet.

My grandmother, wise in the scriptures, always reminded me growing up that “the race is not given to the swift, nor the strong, but he that endures until the end.” Can’t let a cramp stop me now. Looks like I’ve gotten my second wind. Keep pushing!

Turning the Corner..

[Tuesday, March 9, 2010]

So…it’s been a rough season for ya boi lately over the past few weeks (see last blog). Have not been feeling like myself, have not been acting like myself. Actually, scratch that, I was returning to the mindset that got me ousted from Yale. I was beginning to push away any and every one, even those that were bearers of friendly advice. Rightfully so, the more I fed into my sour mood, the more sour I became. It dominated my thoughts, eventually dominating my intentions and actions.

I began to feel like a robot, going to class & work out of routine and lacking any inner motivation while doing so. I was mentally paralyzed.

Then came church on this past Sunday; the jolt of energy that I needed. Bishop Verrett went all over the Bible, focusing on man fulfilling his purpose in life, to rule and have dominion on earth. More importantly, he emphasized that the key started with having a mindset of dominion. He also talked about how what we think and how we think draw to us what we get. Timely message. Truth be told, I’ve had a few friends allude to the same principle with me in recent days, but it really sunk in that day.

People always talk about watching what you say; thinking before you speak. They could not be any more right about it. I have yet to reach the mountaintop, but I have reason to believe I am turning the corner. At least, that’s what I’m thinking…

What I Harbor...

[Sunday, March 7, 2010]

So I’m sitting up in my bed in the dark. Yet, you could still see the fire in my eyes. I am infuriated right now, and I don’t feel like restraining it anymore. Perhaps, this restraint is what is causing this; Pent-up for forever, with no one to release it to, since I’m sure God is tired of me complaining to him about it.

Let me just say it: I have an envy problem.

Now that that has marinated for a second, I will explain myself. Raise your hand if you have never had a best friend…oh, wow, just me? Wait, why am I so concerned about you all anyways?!? You are the source of my pain. I see what you all have that I’ve never enjoyed. A social life, friendship, some symbiotic. I need you, you need me types. Not this one way thing that I tend to get where I’m there for someone but when I need them, the favor isn’t returned to me. I don’t know how y’all do it. Is it how I look? How I act? What’s wrong with me? Did I offend somebody? Am I not likable? Do I have a Kick Me sign on my back? A booger in my eye? Would all of that explain why I feel like such an afterthought…A late addition…A postscript…A tag along?

Hmm, on second thought, maybe it’s not your fault, people. Perchance I am finally seeing that another battle is being waged with my worst eneME…

Well…I’m not totally a bad potential friend. I think my heart is available to anyone that earns access to it. I am open and receptive to people; ready to love and be loved. So…what’s the problem? Am I a people pleaser? Do I try to “earn” friendships instead of “building” them? Am I jaded? Hurt by expecting too much from others to the point where I don’t let people get close? Naw…admittedly, I have been hurt. I have often expected too much. But I don’t really push people away like that. I usually just end up taking the pain in and living with it. Until I explode it fits of rage…kinda like this one where I speak my mind, BUT…don’t seek/find a suitable solution. Looks like I should stop waiting for a friend to prove themselves to me by saving me. I know that sounded selfish…

I need to look out for myself. I need to be my biggest priority. First things first, I gotta learn how to take a load off. The things that bind me up in my mind tend to get quite overwhelming when I don’t let them go.

I hope I haven’t scared you off with what I harbor in my head…I feel better now though. That’s not weighing me down anymore…

Amusement Park...

^ This will be her last time on this ride ^

Standing in line for what seems like forever, it's finally my turn to hop on board. My heart rate begins to rise, as my emotions change from impatience to excitement. I'm ready to roll, my hands already reaching towards the sky, suspending all thoughts of fear, for the feeling that I hope is near is a thrill.

There's only thing ruining my euphoric high right now, and that's my best friend. I had to drag him into this line. He's not really into amusement parks. In fact, I wonder if he's let his fear of heights get to him. When we got on the ride, he immediately held onto the bar and closed his eyes. And we haven't even got moving yet...guess I won't ask him to ride it again...

I decided to write about this because I kinda hit a rough patch in life lately. Actually, been hitting these patches quite often, and I don't want them to be a staple of my day-to-day. Going through the motions, doing the same things, getting the same results, all adding up to not making any forward progress. I'm a grown man now, and I can't afford to stay still. There's too much I am purposed to put into motion in this world, and it seems like fear is making me cling to safety, not ride this coaster like you saw above, rather than reach and fight for my destiny.

I need to get in line before this amusement park called 'Life' closes. I need not waste my cost of admission (purpose). God could have invested it elsewhere, but I was chosen for this ride. Might as well raise my hands and expect a thrill...just a thought...

Teddy Bear..

I think i caught myself this time. it's something i have always done this time of year. and this year, that moment of truth hit me as I walked into work yesterday after being away for four days (figures...I never get a weekend off): Roses, Teddy Bears, Chocolates, Hallmark Cards, Heart Shaped Balloons. Galore! Information Overload. Valentine's Day is near, and my heart started to sink in my chest yet again.

I had come to hate this day, and resent the lovers that celebrated it; the customers that went all out to spoil the boos they love. Manning the register, I smiled genuinely because that's what I should do. Part of me just wanted one opportunity to spoil someone intimately. Or have the notion returned. I'm a giver. Sometimes, I give to a fault - especially sometimes to folk that weren't/aren't planning on giving back to me. On top of that, I was stupid to believe that my giving to them would change those plans. Just stupid.

But last year, I did that. There was someone I just wanted to show some love to. So there was a teddy bear I saw them looking at one day. I bought it and I think they liked it!

LOL, wasn't that corny of me? Yeah, I bought myself a Valentine's gift. And now I see the significance of that decision. It's good to love yourself. Best feeling in the world actually! But I had been hell spent for the longest to have someone love me back, that I neglected the most important person in my life..me. So if you do or don't have a Valentine this year, don't forget to show some love to yourself. You'll feel all warm and snugly inside...LOL just a thought..

Habits...

Habits. They balance out the ebb and flow of life. Some of them are positive - brushing your teeth, taking a shower; some of them, not so much - not making the bed, not taking out the garbage, leaving the toilet seat up (living with mom and sisters, I take heat for that last one often...). Some habits we were born into - going to church, celebrating Christmas; others we pick up over time as a means to cope - cheating, lying, smoking, drinking, etc.

What about the subconscious habits? The ones that reveal themselves not necessarily in what you do, but in how you speak or in what you think. For example, while you're in a bad mood, or after a bad day - Are you quick to anger? Easily frustrated? Plagued by low self-esteem? Hate to say it, but you've got a habit problem, as well. One thing I am still working on is self-hate. Can it be completely eliminated or only diminished? I told a friend of mine that we are oftentimes are own worst critics - the issue lies in how we respond to our critiques. Being careful with our response, sometimes, will eventually eliminate self-hate. Others may still be mindful of the potential hate, but not crippled by it.

I think it's safe to say that some habits are meant to be broken, and in turn, replaced with better ones. My bad habits at this point are too many to type, but there isn't anything on that list that I can't reverse the fate of. A friend of mine gave me a quote of the year a few days ago: "Complaining is voicing your concerns. Complaining with no action equals whining." (He should really write a book with this stuff.) Here's something I did last year. (TOO MUCH INFO alert) So...last year for Lent (40 days between Mardi Gras and Easter set aside for "pious" behavior), I decided to give up pornography. It wasn't even a raging issue of mine anymore (but it used to be, OMG!), or something I relied on during fits of excitement. Just...a pastime I did out of habit. It's amazing how much you realize how much you don't NEED something by simply going without it.

This month, I'm going without soda or fried foods. And I'm back to working out on a consistent basis. Any habits you'll feel like breaking? Anything you feel like starting new with? What you waiting on??

What's in a Dream?

"Who's your opponent?

He doesn't exist!
Why does he not exist?
Because he is merely a dissenting voice to the truth I speak!"

I love that quote from the movie GREAT DEBATERS. Always have. One of these days, I'll be able to harness the strength within those words. Words that not only challenge the authority of an opponent (hater?) but also calls their mere existence into question. Not only do they not have any power against me, but I'm on a level that my opponent can't see me at. Wow. Yeah...I gotta get to that point.

And this is coming from me at a still controversial holiday that has yet to reach its potential. I do not intend to idolize Martin Luther King, Jr. but I definitely appreciate him for his dream and his wisdom. He was definitely beyond his time with his approach. I cannot rival Dr. King's ability to appeal to one's character in order to bring about change in the world, in the community, in our individual selves. His dream also covered his opposition, even in spite of them. Call him crazy, call him hopeless, call him meek/weak for that. They did. It was bold to me.

On that note, I say continue to dream. I recall on Senior Yearbook Day back in '05, a classmate wrote rather clever if not biting remarks to me. He said, "I look forward to your return home next semester (from Yale)...after you flunk out." Dude had some big balls saying that. At the time, it didn't affect me all too much. I had come to expect such from him, so I laughed it off, but it stuck with me, no lie. I had no intention/desire whatsoever of failing in anything that I did, ESPECIALLY not something school-related; that's my sweet spot. But then...I failed. Not that following semester, but halfway through my junior year at the end of 2007, I was indeed back home. And indeed, those demeaning words tormented me, echoing in my head. But what he said to me was foolish. So I'd be a fool to let his words cripple me right?

This week, I'll be back in school again after a two-year hiatus. My classmates have already graduated. You could say that my moment of opportunity has passed. That would make you my opponent. And if you recall, you don't exist.