Teddy Bear..

I think i caught myself this time. it's something i have always done this time of year. and this year, that moment of truth hit me as I walked into work yesterday after being away for four days (figures...I never get a weekend off): Roses, Teddy Bears, Chocolates, Hallmark Cards, Heart Shaped Balloons. Galore! Information Overload. Valentine's Day is near, and my heart started to sink in my chest yet again.

I had come to hate this day, and resent the lovers that celebrated it; the customers that went all out to spoil the boos they love. Manning the register, I smiled genuinely because that's what I should do. Part of me just wanted one opportunity to spoil someone intimately. Or have the notion returned. I'm a giver. Sometimes, I give to a fault - especially sometimes to folk that weren't/aren't planning on giving back to me. On top of that, I was stupid to believe that my giving to them would change those plans. Just stupid.

But last year, I did that. There was someone I just wanted to show some love to. So there was a teddy bear I saw them looking at one day. I bought it and I think they liked it!

LOL, wasn't that corny of me? Yeah, I bought myself a Valentine's gift. And now I see the significance of that decision. It's good to love yourself. Best feeling in the world actually! But I had been hell spent for the longest to have someone love me back, that I neglected the most important person in my life..me. So if you do or don't have a Valentine this year, don't forget to show some love to yourself. You'll feel all warm and snugly inside...LOL just a thought..

Habits...

Habits. They balance out the ebb and flow of life. Some of them are positive - brushing your teeth, taking a shower; some of them, not so much - not making the bed, not taking out the garbage, leaving the toilet seat up (living with mom and sisters, I take heat for that last one often...). Some habits we were born into - going to church, celebrating Christmas; others we pick up over time as a means to cope - cheating, lying, smoking, drinking, etc.

What about the subconscious habits? The ones that reveal themselves not necessarily in what you do, but in how you speak or in what you think. For example, while you're in a bad mood, or after a bad day - Are you quick to anger? Easily frustrated? Plagued by low self-esteem? Hate to say it, but you've got a habit problem, as well. One thing I am still working on is self-hate. Can it be completely eliminated or only diminished? I told a friend of mine that we are oftentimes are own worst critics - the issue lies in how we respond to our critiques. Being careful with our response, sometimes, will eventually eliminate self-hate. Others may still be mindful of the potential hate, but not crippled by it.

I think it's safe to say that some habits are meant to be broken, and in turn, replaced with better ones. My bad habits at this point are too many to type, but there isn't anything on that list that I can't reverse the fate of. A friend of mine gave me a quote of the year a few days ago: "Complaining is voicing your concerns. Complaining with no action equals whining." (He should really write a book with this stuff.) Here's something I did last year. (TOO MUCH INFO alert) So...last year for Lent (40 days between Mardi Gras and Easter set aside for "pious" behavior), I decided to give up pornography. It wasn't even a raging issue of mine anymore (but it used to be, OMG!), or something I relied on during fits of excitement. Just...a pastime I did out of habit. It's amazing how much you realize how much you don't NEED something by simply going without it.

This month, I'm going without soda or fried foods. And I'm back to working out on a consistent basis. Any habits you'll feel like breaking? Anything you feel like starting new with? What you waiting on??

What's in a Dream?

"Who's your opponent?

He doesn't exist!
Why does he not exist?
Because he is merely a dissenting voice to the truth I speak!"

I love that quote from the movie GREAT DEBATERS. Always have. One of these days, I'll be able to harness the strength within those words. Words that not only challenge the authority of an opponent (hater?) but also calls their mere existence into question. Not only do they not have any power against me, but I'm on a level that my opponent can't see me at. Wow. Yeah...I gotta get to that point.

And this is coming from me at a still controversial holiday that has yet to reach its potential. I do not intend to idolize Martin Luther King, Jr. but I definitely appreciate him for his dream and his wisdom. He was definitely beyond his time with his approach. I cannot rival Dr. King's ability to appeal to one's character in order to bring about change in the world, in the community, in our individual selves. His dream also covered his opposition, even in spite of them. Call him crazy, call him hopeless, call him meek/weak for that. They did. It was bold to me.

On that note, I say continue to dream. I recall on Senior Yearbook Day back in '05, a classmate wrote rather clever if not biting remarks to me. He said, "I look forward to your return home next semester (from Yale)...after you flunk out." Dude had some big balls saying that. At the time, it didn't affect me all too much. I had come to expect such from him, so I laughed it off, but it stuck with me, no lie. I had no intention/desire whatsoever of failing in anything that I did, ESPECIALLY not something school-related; that's my sweet spot. But then...I failed. Not that following semester, but halfway through my junior year at the end of 2007, I was indeed back home. And indeed, those demeaning words tormented me, echoing in my head. But what he said to me was foolish. So I'd be a fool to let his words cripple me right?

This week, I'll be back in school again after a two-year hiatus. My classmates have already graduated. You could say that my moment of opportunity has passed. That would make you my opponent. And if you recall, you don't exist.

Worst EneME

Was talking to a friend about confidence/swagger/what not and its limitations a few days back. At least what I thought its limitations were. I thought that confidence without limits was vanity. I also felt that my confidence was dictated and limited by how I was perceived me to be, physically, mentally, otherwise. But then my friend shut me down with this: "U shouldn't let another person's philosophy dictate ur esteem and worth." Simple enough, right?

But then it sunk in yesterday after church. One of my pastors was giving me a pep talk, bringing light to my God-given gifts and talents, and how the responsibility to let them flourish was on me. Simple words again to me: "Can't Nobody stop me but me." So let it be known. My enemy for years has been me. It's about time for that inner fight to end.

Below is something I wrote a few months back. Poetic piece called "Mirror Mirror..". I thought it fit perfect with this entry.

________

“Each one of us requires the spur of insecurity to force us to do our best.” - Harold W. Dodds

Waking up every day, greeted by a new sunrise.
Stumbling half-sleep to the mirror. There's your face.
I don't despise it,
But sometimes, I see things I could replace.
Is it foolish to even notice the things you wish looked better?
What truly motivates our desires for self-improvement? Is it a necessity to survive or something we eventually flaunt?
Is it a desperate need or a selfish want?
Why must I squeeze into the size 34 when what fits is the 38?
Do we wanna look great? Hmm...do we want others to validate that?
So we don't feel as fat as society says we are?

Insecurities lies deeper than the cellulite on your frame,
twisted up in that grey matter that we call a brain.
So as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
So do my self-defacing thoughts dictate the image that I see?
You're smart, you're gifted, you're handsome, you smile.
You're wise like a preacher, but goofy like a child.
So why all this fuss about this insecure stuff?
Just be who God made you, bulky or buff...
that outer don't matter, it's mostly for show.
But if your heart's truly genuine, your real friends will know.

What friends? Don't have many...could count them on my hand.
But if I needed more than one (hand), would that guarantee more fun?
Not really. I've been a part of a group of friends, a family. A posse.
But then things really did get lonely, especially when that "family" decided to disown me.
But why am I still concerned about friend quantity, when it's just a number?

Why am I asking all of these questions? Am I trying to confuse myself?
Am I confused? Am I alone feeling confused? Am I by myself?
Yeah, right. We all have insecure moments. Times when we think less of ourselves than we ought.
It's a feeling I know too well. But this time, instead of sulking, I fought.
Fought the urge to steal away, hiding from my own self-doubts.
But I can't keep lying to you and me, gotta let these doubts out.
So instead of breaking this mirror's glass, I'll stare at it some more.
Can't expect you to see much in me, if me seeing it is a chore.

Tic Toc...

Dedicated to my late grandfather, Bobby M. Brown, Sr. (April 20, 1942 – December 1, 2008)

Wow, it’s December already. Man, how a year flies by. It just seems like yesterday when I was awaken at 7am with the news. And with it, time seemed to pause for a moment.

Death has a way of forcing us to look at our lives under a microscope, especially when the one you lost is a part of who you are. Up until when my grandfather passed on this day last year, I had managed twenty years living without experiencing an immediate loss in my family. And truth be told, the dominoes couldn’t have fallen at a better time. I was going through a motion-led part of my life, one year removed from my academic fallout. Conceding an Ivy League education to work retail was not part of the plan, yet I was going along with it, each day an underachievement in the minds of my family and myself. My grandfather was really gone, yet mentally, I was just as dead – a living zombie taking for granted the purpose and life God created this body for.

So now, a year later, I pause again. As the rain trickles down my window, I can say that my shine in 2009 was shaded a bit by clouds I put there. Having made some moves in the right direction but not seeing them completely through. I have a love/hate relationship with my job. While I’m grateful to have one, let it be known that when I am able to quit, I won’t ever return to retail again. My paycheck being at the mercy of store sales is the worst feeling. Can’t say the same for all my co-workers, but I don’t have to be stuck there the rest of my life. It all depends on me though. I just gotta make it.

The junior college I started taking classes at in January was as beneath me as the grades I got there that semester. LOL that’s not the best mindset to have when trying to progress. My thoughts were the exact opposite as a Yale student. Second-guessing whether or not I fit with such elite company, even though my admission there proved I belonged. Year one didn’t come as easily as it had before I got there. So I psyched myself out of believing that I was capable of succeeding—stopped going to a lot of my classes during my sophomore year, and shortly thereafter, stopped going to school there altogether (by force, of course). I had failed for the first time in a long time. Truth be told, it hurts to let an opportunity like that slip, but to downgrade what I expect from myself because of it would be worse. I see that now. I will be back at my junior college taking classes in January 2010, just trying to make something happen. Not going down without a fight.

So this woosah, this Selah, this pause of mine was necessary. Looking back, I see that used my time wisely in spots, and wasted it in others this year. Looking forward, I’m gonna make the effort not to let my miscues stop my movement, especially since they don’t stop the time. Despite the strings God pulls during the day-to-day, the seconds continue to tick. We must do the same thing. End the pause and press play! Be ble$$ed.