Was talking to a friend about confidence/swagger/what not and its limitations a few days back. At least what I thought its limitations were. I thought that confidence without limits was vanity. I also felt that my confidence was dictated and limited by how I was perceived me to be, physically, mentally, otherwise. But then my friend shut me down with this: "U shouldn't let another person's philosophy dictate ur esteem and worth." Simple enough, right?
But then it sunk in yesterday after church. One of my pastors was giving me a pep talk, bringing light to my God-given gifts and talents, and how the responsibility to let them flourish was on me. Simple words again to me: "Can't Nobody stop me but me." So let it be known. My enemy for years has been me. It's about time for that inner fight to end.
Below is something I wrote a few months back. Poetic piece called "Mirror Mirror..". I thought it fit perfect with this entry.
________
Waking up every day, greeted by a new sunrise.
Stumbling half-sleep to the mirror. There's your face.
I don't despise it,
But sometimes, I see things I could replace.
Is it foolish to even notice the things you wish looked better?
What truly motivates our desires for self-improvement? Is it a necessity to survive or something we eventually flaunt?
Is it a desperate need or a selfish want?
Why must I squeeze into the size 34 when what fits is the 38?
Do we wanna look great? Hmm...do we want others to validate that?
So we don't feel as fat as society says we are?
Insecurities lies deeper than the cellulite on your frame,
twisted up in that grey matter that we call a brain.
So as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
So do my self-defacing thoughts dictate the image that I see?
You're smart, you're gifted, you're handsome, you smile.
You're wise like a preacher, but goofy like a child.
So why all this fuss about this insecure stuff?
Just be who God made you, bulky or buff...
that outer don't matter, it's mostly for show.
But if your heart's truly genuine, your real friends will know.
What friends? Don't have many...could count them on my hand.
But if I needed more than one (hand), would that guarantee more fun?
Not really. I've been a part of a group of friends, a family. A posse.
But then things really did get lonely, especially when that "family" decided to disown me.
But why am I still concerned about friend quantity, when it's just a number?
Why am I asking all of these questions? Am I trying to confuse myself?
Am I confused? Am I alone feeling confused? Am I by myself?
Yeah, right. We all have insecure moments. Times when we think less of ourselves than we ought.
It's a feeling I know too well. But this time, instead of sulking, I fought.
Fought the urge to steal away, hiding from my own self-doubts.
But I can't keep lying to you and me, gotta let these doubts out.
So instead of breaking this mirror's glass, I'll stare at it some more.
Can't expect you to see much in me, if me seeing it is a chore.
Wow man, I'm speechless. Man, this was AWESOME. You managed to channel so MUCH of what so many people go through privately, and channel it into realistic words that best convey these thoughts and experiences. I've bookmarked this particular blog, particular for the poem you wrote. Insecurities are a b**** and can have so many of us stressing out of our minds, and going out of our way to change ourselves up, which is definitely unnecessary. Thank you for writing this blog, as MANY people would benefit from reading this and would help them take new approaches towards appreciating their life (and accepting and loving themselves the way they way God made them!)
ReplyDeleteI too have been down this road. Its like a never ending road, with twist and turns. You said it best "Steal Away" Which i must keep in my head so i do not fall off the road. Thanks for this lovely blog!
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