Teddy Bear..

I think i caught myself this time. it's something i have always done this time of year. and this year, that moment of truth hit me as I walked into work yesterday after being away for four days (figures...I never get a weekend off): Roses, Teddy Bears, Chocolates, Hallmark Cards, Heart Shaped Balloons. Galore! Information Overload. Valentine's Day is near, and my heart started to sink in my chest yet again.

I had come to hate this day, and resent the lovers that celebrated it; the customers that went all out to spoil the boos they love. Manning the register, I smiled genuinely because that's what I should do. Part of me just wanted one opportunity to spoil someone intimately. Or have the notion returned. I'm a giver. Sometimes, I give to a fault - especially sometimes to folk that weren't/aren't planning on giving back to me. On top of that, I was stupid to believe that my giving to them would change those plans. Just stupid.

But last year, I did that. There was someone I just wanted to show some love to. So there was a teddy bear I saw them looking at one day. I bought it and I think they liked it!

LOL, wasn't that corny of me? Yeah, I bought myself a Valentine's gift. And now I see the significance of that decision. It's good to love yourself. Best feeling in the world actually! But I had been hell spent for the longest to have someone love me back, that I neglected the most important person in my life..me. So if you do or don't have a Valentine this year, don't forget to show some love to yourself. You'll feel all warm and snugly inside...LOL just a thought..

Habits...

Habits. They balance out the ebb and flow of life. Some of them are positive - brushing your teeth, taking a shower; some of them, not so much - not making the bed, not taking out the garbage, leaving the toilet seat up (living with mom and sisters, I take heat for that last one often...). Some habits we were born into - going to church, celebrating Christmas; others we pick up over time as a means to cope - cheating, lying, smoking, drinking, etc.

What about the subconscious habits? The ones that reveal themselves not necessarily in what you do, but in how you speak or in what you think. For example, while you're in a bad mood, or after a bad day - Are you quick to anger? Easily frustrated? Plagued by low self-esteem? Hate to say it, but you've got a habit problem, as well. One thing I am still working on is self-hate. Can it be completely eliminated or only diminished? I told a friend of mine that we are oftentimes are own worst critics - the issue lies in how we respond to our critiques. Being careful with our response, sometimes, will eventually eliminate self-hate. Others may still be mindful of the potential hate, but not crippled by it.

I think it's safe to say that some habits are meant to be broken, and in turn, replaced with better ones. My bad habits at this point are too many to type, but there isn't anything on that list that I can't reverse the fate of. A friend of mine gave me a quote of the year a few days ago: "Complaining is voicing your concerns. Complaining with no action equals whining." (He should really write a book with this stuff.) Here's something I did last year. (TOO MUCH INFO alert) So...last year for Lent (40 days between Mardi Gras and Easter set aside for "pious" behavior), I decided to give up pornography. It wasn't even a raging issue of mine anymore (but it used to be, OMG!), or something I relied on during fits of excitement. Just...a pastime I did out of habit. It's amazing how much you realize how much you don't NEED something by simply going without it.

This month, I'm going without soda or fried foods. And I'm back to working out on a consistent basis. Any habits you'll feel like breaking? Anything you feel like starting new with? What you waiting on??