Hindrance

One day, I will be delivered from my preoccupation with the thoughts of other people.

Soon.

Amen.

Thin Ice...

As the season changes and things get warmer outside, for some reason, I'm chilly. Frigid, even.

I've mentally retreated from the fresh sunshine and the budding greenery all around me. It's all beautiful, but the sight of it has not uplifted me. Not yet, at least.

Not myself right now. I'm cold.

My body is here. Mind? Displaced. In the Arctic desert. Strolling. Meandering.

I know my way back to safety. Just have to look to the light.

I have wandered off too far, however. The congealed ground beneath me has begun to part.

HELP!

Who am I kidding...I'm the only one out here. Sound advice rejected. Former friends have neglected.

So what do I do now?

Out here on thin ice. Hoping not to fall into the void caused from struggles within.

What if I fall? Walk on water? Keep swimming?

Can't sink. I just can't.

I need instinct to kick in. To save me. To rescue me.

That's what I get for wandering on thin ice. I thought the silence would be refreshing, but...

I'm lonely, instead.

Man was not meant to be alone. Where is my neighbor?

Rejection is Hard...

I was summarizing my night at the karaoke bar to a friend of mine.

I told him about a friend that was trying to play "love connector". Truth be told, I was appreciative of his efforts, for he just wanted to see me happy(er). Somewhere in my head, however, I thought there was no point, but I let him play his role. When it was brought to my attention that both people he whispered to (on my behalf) said that I "wasn't their type", I reminded myself and my friend that I told him he did not have to say or do ANYTHING. I was pissed, to say the least. Men definitely can't handle when their egos take a blow. Maybe my low expectations caused my own denial (but I don't feel like debating myself right now).

Anyways...after I told this to my other friend, here's how the convo went:

Him: "Yeah, rejection is hard."

Me: "And I avoid rejection by staying 'shy'."

Him: "It's a part of life, though."

Me: "I know. I'm just not strong enough to bear it right now. Or maybe, I just don't want to."

After I texted this, I was taken aback at what I'd said. I think I've gotten to the bottom of my recent wuss moments. Avoiding rejection...staying safe...it appears that my holding back is holding me back...not just on the dating scene, but with everything else I have going on. The fix for this problem is a work-in-progress. To be continued...

Airplane Thoughts, Part 2

(Tuesday, January 4, 2010)

So...about this past New Year's weekend...

Making this trip was one of the better life decisions I've made (understatement). Until the level of friendship I have in my hometown matches that of which I have travelled to, it will be necessary for me to travel at least once per quarter, if not more. I am grateful that my abased income has allowed me to travel as much as I have. I count my blessings on a daily basis, and having good people in my life-near and far-ranks high with me. I can say that they have been worth every investment I have made, be it of time and/or finances.

So...about this past New Year's weekend...

I have made note of the investments requisite for me to make this year. I have thought about it, visualized it, and weighed out the pros and cons. What's left? Execution. The simple part. The laborious part. The necessary part. School, occupation, career, residence, location, fitness, self-image are some of the things I'm working on. I will not make the mistake some have made and call these "New Year's Resolutions", you know, those augmentations to life folk like to make that do not make it to February, totally disparaging the word itself.

To be called resolute means that you are both staunch and steadfast, emphasis here being on character and a firm adherence to your own goals and purposes.

So much for a resolution if you aren't resolute.

Airplane Thoughts

(December 30, 2010, 5:10pm)

(Yeah, it's been MONTHS since I've posted on here...shame on me...)

Since I have 3 hours up here 37000 feet above ground heading towards Washingtion, DC (AGAIN!), I might as well take this time to debrief on 2010, AKA the year of 21.

I must admit, without too many bells and whistles, this year STILL came and went and left its mark. I've incorporated the perks (and the responsible stuff) of being a legal adult into my everyday routine. Seeing new places (DC), meeting new people, I've started allowing myself this year to be...myself, and I'm growing in "me" everyday. Of course, with any growth is going to come a little bit of pain, especially for THIS momma's boy. Whether I was ready for it or not, it's clear I am in sole control of Thalyn's destiny. There's that word - destiny. My dictionary calls destiny the "hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future". I can dig that definition, although that power - that anybody can wield - isn't so much "hidden" as it is "untapped", reliant on the individual to mold it as little or as much as possible.

(Selah)

"My dreams are what I'm racing with, but you can see I'm pacing it, so that I'm always chasing it." - Drake, "Fireworks"

I have a desire to have a multi-faceted career, incorporating my forthcoming psychology degree with my growing hobbies/interests in graphic design and photography. Not to mention that I might end up in my own pulpit before it's all said and done *chuckles to self*. I was well aware of these desires this time last year, but because of my uncertainty of how to make it happen, I did not push myself towards success. 365 days pass, thus, staying stagnant because of fear, and growing in frustration as time went on and on. But, it's funny how frustration one day can turn into resolve to correct what's wrong. Just had to refocus my energy. I honestly still don't know how the puzzle will fit together, but that'll be the journey of it all as my bro, Khyle would say it. If I have my way, 2011 will be a continuation of me deconstructing fear and doubt, dogma and tradition, and that lingering self-esteem issue and operating instead in my inner greatness. I

know it sounds like an abstract goal for some, but greatness is as real as it gets, once it's birthed in the mind.

(Selah)

"So as a man thinketh in his heart [that he is great], so is he [great]." - Proverbs 23:6

I think we're about to land soon, so I need to wrap this up. I must thank every person that I've interacted with this year. From the laughs and the gags, to the 4-letter words and the tears, I've learned a lesson from you that has influenced who I be now. But it doesn't stop here! Destiny awaits, so I need not tarry too long. Stay tuned...

Be Happy...

For the dumbest of reasons, I could have been the spokesperson for Zoloft the way I've been acting lately. (FYI: I'm not on that stuff! LOL)

When I first started blogging, I hoped to use this as an outlet for my thoughts, so that I won't think myself into a headache. Every now and then, my thoughts would leave an impression on a reader, which is what I aim to do. It's another thing, however, to pump out advice on here and not follow it myself. I have made a habit out of "smiling in public & crying in private", so to speak, only to surprise folk when it all falls down. Truth be told, my moods are mostly self-inflicted. It's my own fault for choosing to hang my head low. I won't even get into how many people wanna BOP me upside my head for not getting it together...

All in all, I just need to be happy. I've thought for a while that being committed to someone would solve my issues of being happy. Of course, a friend of mine today corrected me quickly: "how can you love someone else (or expect someone else to love you) when you don't love yourself?" Now surely, I love myself; can't say I have been acting like it though. If the name of my blog is any indication, I'm one to believe that how I think dictates how I act:

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." - Phillipians 4:8

That being said, let me think of a few things that really make me happy!

1. The Father! Get you some...LOL but for real, when I give Him the time He deserves, I'm the happiest man alive...hmm...

2. Family! You can't pick em, but I still love em!

3. Food! Speaking of which, I'm hongry. Bout to make some cajun catfish...

Just a thought, think happy, be happy...that is all! ;-)

HeadOn

So...I was sitting in church on Sunday, but I wasn't quite 100% present. This happens often; I'll start talking back and forth with God from within, yet somehow I'll have the stray thought that I'm as far away from Him, or that He's not gonna respond to my pleas. Eh...can't even blame the Devil for this one...Anyways, I was paying attention enough to recall what Bishop was talking about. Subject was David vs. Goliath. Topic: Face your Giants.

(Follow David's lead: Face your giant HeadOn)

(LOL - had a light-hearted moment)

After church, my post to Facebook was: Face your giants. Don't run from them. It is always best to attack your "opposition" before they establish a place of dominance in your life. Once in the driver's seat, it will start getting into your head, playing those mind games...I don't like playing those. I already have enough running...yes, running through my mind (it's a Libra thing) to have to deal with mental road blocks that keep me stuck when where I need to be is sitting right there beyond the giant in front of you.

Especially when that giant of mine is...me. No..seriously! Nobody beats me up like me (I have had the self-induced headaches to prove it). And I need to stop, cuz it's wearing me down, double time.

I know this seems like an obvious message, but whatever is standing in your way, make it move yourself. Gotta go through to get through...