Just A Thought

Taking Authority

2012-01-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

Ah… the firstblog of 2012. My first real outpour of thoughts since April of last year. It’sbeen too long.

I’ve enteredinto a new year and new season with new opportunities before me. I anxiouslyawait, for starters, New Student Orientation at New Orleans Baptist TheologicalSeminary on the 12^th and 13^th of this month; and I don’tuse the word “anxiously” lightly. I delayed the completion of my applicationuntil the last few weeks before the deadline due to my wrestling back and forthwith the idea of seminary. Even though seminary for me has seemed like aneventual goal of mine, I never imagined going into it as a 23 year old inpursuit of a Bachelor’s degree. I’ve had to withstand thoughts that I amunworthy/unclean for such a humbling task, but as I’ve been told by many, if Iwere to wait until I were ready topursue something, I would remain stagnant, which I’ve already done for far toolong. God opened a door for me to not only re-continue my education but to growin (as my pastor would say) Kingdom knowledge. Some people around me haveapplauded this new decision and new path I decided on, while others have“justified concern” about whether or not this is my decision or was thisinfluenced heavily by my family. At the end of the day, this whole process hastaught me to be bold in living for myself.

It has been timefor me to grow up in take charge over my purpose in life. I have, however,allowed myself to procrastinate, be afraid of either making the wrong decision,and/or failure. These things have kept me behind in my own timeline of where I“planned to be” at this point in my life, and for the longest, I held thisagainst myself and beat myself up because of it. I have been reminded by manythat if I hold onto the past, I will never achieve the things God has for me,nor for that matter, the things I expect of myself. I think my last post onFacebook of 2011 summarizes what I must do to combat this:

My goal for2012, as suggested to me by a reliable friend, is to “live it”. (Selah)

LOL, I thinkthat phrase needed its own space. Life for many of us is often so BUSY, that weforget to simply live it. (I'll say amen for that!) I for one, have been busywith trying to “get there”, as in trying to get back on my feet academically,financially, and everything else in between. Along with that, I sometimes seektoo much outside help, cluttering my mind, when I should instead trust thevoice within. I aim to put a stop to that this year. Time to learn someindependence for a change.

On a lighternote, I've also gained 15 pounds. Well, maybe 20. Yikes! I need to get back tobeing sexy. Stay tuned! LOL

As you can see,I have a few concrete, obtainable goals for this new year. (I'm sure you do, as well.) Only withdiligence will I carry them out successfully. It won't be easy, but that'snormal. It's time to make it happen anyway. #TakingAuthority

Hindrance

2011-09-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

One day, I will be delivered from my preoccupation with the thoughts of other people.

Soon.

Amen.

Thin Ice...

2011-04-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

As the season changes and things get warmer outside, for some reason, I'm chilly. Frigid, even.

I've mentally retreated from the fresh sunshine and the budding greenery all around me. It's all beautiful, but the sight of it has not uplifted me. Not yet, at least.

Not myself right now. I'm cold.

My body is here. Mind? Displaced. In the Arctic desert. Strolling. Meandering.

I know my way back to safety. Just have to look to the light.

I have wandered off too far, however. The congealed ground beneath me has begun to part.

HELP!

Who am I kidding...I'm the only one out here. Sound advice rejected. Former friends have neglected.

So what do I do now?

Out here on thin ice. Hoping not to fall into the void caused from struggles within.

What if I fall? Walk on water? Keep swimming?

Can't sink. I just can't.

I need instinct to kick in. To save me. To rescue me.

That's what I get for wandering on thin ice. I thought the silence would be refreshing, but...

I'm lonely, instead.

Man was not meant to be alone. Where is my neighbor?

Rejection is Hard...

2011-02-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

I was summarizing my night at the karaoke bar to a friend of mine.

I told him about a friend that was trying to play "love connector". Truth be told, I was appreciative of his efforts, for he just wanted to see me happy(er). Somewhere in my head, however, I thought there was no point, but I let him play his role. When it was brought to my attention that both people he whispered to (on my behalf) said that I "wasn't their type", I reminded myself and my friend that I told him he did not have to say or do ANYTHING. I was pissed, to say the least. Men definitely can't handle when their egos take a blow. Maybe my low expectations caused my own denial (but I don't feel like debating myself right now).

Anyways...after I told this to my other friend, here's how the convo went:

Him: "Yeah, rejection is hard."

Me: "And I avoid rejection by staying 'shy'."

Him: "It's a part of life, though."

Me: "I know. I'm just not strong enough to bear it right now. Or maybe, I just don't want to."

After I texted this, I was taken aback at what I'd said. I think I've gotten to the bottom of my recent wuss moments. Avoiding rejection...staying safe...it appears that my holding back is holding me back...not just on the dating scene, but with everything else I have going on. The fix for this problem is a work-in-progress. To be continued...

Airplane Thoughts, Part 2

2011-01-07T01:52:00.000-08:00

(Tuesday, January 4, 2010)

So...about this past New Year's weekend...

Making this trip was one of the better life decisions I've made (understatement). Until the level of friendship I have in my hometown matches that of which I have travelled to, it will be necessary for me to travel at least once per quarter, if not more. I am grateful that my abased income has allowed me to travel as much as I have. I count my blessings on a daily basis, and having good people in my life-near and far-ranks high with me. I can say that they have been worth every investment I have made, be it of time and/or finances.

So...about this past New Year's weekend...

I have made note of the investments requisite for me to make this year. I have thought about it, visualized it, and weighed out the pros and cons. What's left? Execution. The simple part. The laborious part. The necessary part. School, occupation, career, residence, location, fitness, self-image are some of the things I'm working on. I will not make the mistake some have made and call these "New Year's Resolutions", you know, those augmentations to life folk like to make that do not make it to February, totally disparaging the word itself.

To be called resolute means that you are both staunch and steadfast, emphasis here being on character and a firm adherence to your own goals and purposes.

So much for a resolution if you aren't resolute.

Airplane Thoughts

2010-12-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

(December 30, 2010, 5:10pm)

(Yeah, it's been MONTHS since I've posted on here...shame on me...)

Since I have 3 hours up here 37000 feet above ground heading towards Washingtion, DC (AGAIN!), I might as well take this time to debrief on 2010, AKA the year of 21.

I must admit, without too many bells and whistles, this year STILL came and went and left its mark. I've incorporated the perks (and the responsible stuff) of being a legal adult into my everyday routine. Seeing new places (DC), meeting new people, I've started allowing myself this year to be...myself, and I'm growing in "me" everyday. Of course, with any growth is going to come a little bit of pain, especially for THIS momma's boy. Whether I was ready for it or not, it's clear I am in sole control of Thalyn's destiny. There's that word - destiny. My dictionary calls destiny the "hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future". I can dig that definition, although that power - that anybody can wield - isn't so much "hidden" as it is "untapped", reliant on the individual to mold it as little or as much as possible.

(Selah)

"My dreams are what I'm racing with, but you can see I'm pacing it, so that I'm always chasing it." - Drake, "Fireworks"

I have a desire to have a multi-faceted career, incorporating my forthcoming psychology degree with my growing hobbies/interests in graphic design and photography. Not to mention that I might end up in my own pulpit before it's all said and done *chuckles to self*. I was well aware of these desires this time last year, but because of my uncertainty of how to make it happen, I did not push myself towards success. 365 days pass, thus, staying stagnant because of fear, and growing in frustration as time went on and on. But, it's funny how frustration one day can turn into resolve to correct what's wrong. Just had to refocus my energy. I honestly still don't know how the puzzle will fit together, but that'll be the journey of it all as my bro, Khyle would say it. If I have my way, 2011 will be a continuation of me deconstructing fear and doubt, dogma and tradition, and that lingering self-esteem issue and operating instead in my inner greatness. I

know it sounds like an abstract goal for some, but greatness is as real as it gets, once it's birthed in the mind.

(Selah)

"So as a man thinketh in his heart [that he is great], so is he [great]." - Proverbs 23:6

I think we're about to land soon, so I need to wrap this up. I must thank every person that I've interacted with this year. From the laughs and the gags, to the 4-letter words and the tears, I've learned a lesson from you that has influenced who I be now. But it doesn't stop here! Destiny awaits, so I need not tarry too long. Stay tuned...

Be Happy...

2010-07-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

For the dumbest of reasons, I could have been the spokesperson for Zoloft the way I've been acting lately. (FYI: I'm not on that stuff! LOL)

When I first started blogging, I hoped to use this as an outlet for my thoughts, so that I won't think myself into a headache. Every now and then, my thoughts would leave an impression on a reader, which is what I aim to do. It's another thing, however, to pump out advice on here and not follow it myself. I have made a habit out of "smiling in public & crying in private", so to speak, only to surprise folk when it all falls down. Truth be told, my moods are mostly self-inflicted. It's my own fault for choosing to hang my head low. I won't even get into how many people wanna BOP me upside my head for not getting it together...

All in all, I just need to be happy. I've thought for a while that being committed to someone would solve my issues of being happy. Of course, a friend of mine today corrected me quickly: "how can you love someone else (or expect someone else to love you) when you don't love yourself?" Now surely, I love myself; can't say I have been acting like it though. If the name of my blog is any indication, I'm one to believe that how I think dictates how I act:

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." - Phillipians 4:8

That being said, let me think of a few things that really make me happy!

1. The Father! Get you some...LOL but for real, when I give Him the time He deserves, I'm the happiest man alive...hmm...

2. Family! You can't pick em, but I still love em!

3. Food! Speaking of which, I'm hongry. Bout to make some cajun catfish...

Just a thought, think happy, be happy...that is all! ;-)

HeadOn

2010-06-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

So...I was sitting in church on Sunday, but I wasn't quite 100% present. This happens often; I'll start talking back and forth with God from within, yet somehow I'll have the stray thought that I'm as far away from Him, or that He's not gonna respond to my pleas. Eh...can't even blame the Devil for this one...Anyways, I was paying attention enough to recall what Bishop was talking about. Subject was David vs. Goliath. Topic: Face your Giants.

(Follow David's lead: Face your giant HeadOn)

(LOL - had a light-hearted moment)

After church, my post to Facebook was: Face your giants. Don't run from them. It is always best to attack your "opposition" before they establish a place of dominance in your life. Once in the driver's seat, it will start getting into your head, playing those mind games...I don't like playing those. I already have enough running...yes, running through my mind (it's a Libra thing) to have to deal with mental road blocks that keep me stuck when where I need to be is sitting right there beyond the giant in front of you.

Especially when that giant of mine is...me. No..seriously! Nobody beats me up like me (I have had the self-induced headaches to prove it). And I need to stop, cuz it's wearing me down, double time.

I know this seems like an obvious message, but whatever is standing in your way, make it move yourself. Gotta go through to get through...

Do U

2010-05-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

What YOU see...is what YOU get.

there have been times when I have wanted to be the one in the middle of the circle at the club receiving 'oohs' and 'aahs' because of the way that I moved. unfortunately, I was blessed with my mother's rhythm, so instead of 'oohs', they might be 'boos' instead [love you, momma ;) ]. still in all, momma would be bold enough to step out there and get silly. not me. folk are mean.

so mean, that when I see a shirt in a store that I might wanna buy - just because it's something I wouldn't normally wear or don't have in my closet - my mind goes to what people (that i do/don't know) might say or think. sometimes, I'm concerned with the fact that all eyes are on me. "What is he wearing??" "Who does he think he is!" Or I hear my lil sister's 2 cents: "OMG, TJ that shirt is so gay looking." So...I'll put the shirt back on the rack, trying to save myself the pain. folk are mean.

always have been. always will be. so since folk will stay the same, why should I stay the same? the shell around me has been a hindrance for a little bit too long. beyond the thoughts of my Heavenly Father, there is only one opinion (even with everyone around having something to say) that matters most: your own. Just a thought, people always appreciate when you keep it real. deep down inside, you would appreciate it too. do yourself a favor. do you. cuz I'mma do me!

Got Patience?

2010-03-13T00:48:00.000-08:00

Waiting…I need to learn how to do that.

[Friday, March 11, 2010]

~~Some of~~ MOST of these self-improvements I have been working on require time and patience, both of which I feel like I don’t have. I feel, sometimes, that I have a window of time to get certain things (pertaining to my destiny) accomplished or else I’ll miss my season. I tend to rush myself to get better and put pressure on myself because of that. The problems are probably all in my head.

In English class recently, we studied Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie. One of the main characters, Laura, has a limp that is corrected by a leg brace. Along with her shyness, this brace made her quite insecure. She was set up on a date with a secret high school crush of hers that worked with her older brother. She recalls how she felt her leg brace was so loud and clunky, making her feel embarrassed during class, sitting in the back and not speaking up, while admiring her crush, Jim, from afar. Jim, however, brings to her attention that he never noticed the limp or the sound of the brace back then, and that due to her inferiority complex, she was magnifying a rather minute issue.

I have been in Laura’s shoes on many occasions, feeling overly self-conscious in certain settings, when likely, I’m not sticking out as much as I feel I am. I have more control over the situation than I act, and once I am more self-assured and confident in myself, my societal insecurities will eventually fade. But like I said, it’s gonna take time! So…looks like I gotta stop rushing the process. Patience…sigh…

Midterms...

2010-03-13T00:43:00.000-08:00

[Thursday, March 11, 2010]

Well now I have gone through midterms at school. Looking back, I know that I could have done better, been more disciplined, not waited until the last minute to finish certain assignments, BUT I feel good about being productive again, especially as of late. It has helped my mood in so many ways, and I hope to…(correction) PLAN to maintain this upswing as long as possible. I already realize that maintenance is easier said than done. Often, it seems like just as soon as you gather some momentum in life, we are presented with a stumbling block to send us back downward. That’s how it’s been, and that’s how it will be.

^These aren't easy to maintain^

We do, however, have some control, over how we react at the stumbling block and how we push through after it has been hurdled. These days, I am looking to put my roller coaster mentality behind me, sliding up and down with my mood and my expectations for self. I have to be the one to cause my own turn around & maintain my focus on my prizes and my goals. I recognize that waiting on others to pull me out of my mental muck will not resolve how the muck got there in the first place. That is the main reason why I recently took a hiatus from the outside world – to get grimy and start repairs on some of my potentially fatal flaws. I am proud of the progress made, and it’s not over yet.

My grandmother, wise in the scriptures, always reminded me growing up that “the race is not given to the swift, nor the strong, but he that endures until the end.” Can’t let a cramp stop me now. Looks like I’ve gotten my second wind. Keep pushing!

Turning the Corner..

2010-03-13T00:16:00.000-08:00

[Tuesday, March 9, 2010]

So…it’s been a rough season for ya boi lately over the past few weeks (see last blog). Have not been feeling like myself, have not been acting like myself. Actually, scratch that, I was returning to the mindset that got me ousted from Yale. I was beginning to push away any and every one, even those that were bearers of friendly advice. Rightfully so, the more I fed into my sour mood, the more sour I became. It dominated my thoughts, eventually dominating my intentions and actions.

I began to feel like a robot, going to class & work out of routine and lacking any inner motivation while doing so. I was mentally paralyzed.

Then came church on this past Sunday; the jolt of energy that I needed. Bishop Verrett went all over the Bible, focusing on man fulfilling his purpose in life, to rule and have dominion on earth. More importantly, he emphasized that the key started with having a mindset of dominion. He also talked about how what we think and how we think draw to us what we get. Timely message. Truth be told, I’ve had a few friends allude to the same principle with me in recent days, but it really sunk in that day.

People always talk about watching what you say; thinking before you speak. They could not be any more right about it. I have yet to reach the mountaintop, but I have reason to believe I am turning the corner. At least, that’s what I’m thinking…

What I Harbor...

2010-03-12T22:59:00.000-08:00

[Sunday, March 7, 2010]

So I’m sitting up in my bed in the dark. Yet, you could still see the fire in my eyes. I am infuriated right now, and I don’t feel like restraining it anymore. Perhaps, this restraint is what is causing this; Pent-up for forever, with no one to release it to, since I’m sure God is tired of me complaining to him about it.

Let me just say it: I have an envy problem.

Now that that has marinated for a second, I will explain myself. Raise your hand if you have never had a best friend…oh, wow, just me? Wait, why am I so concerned about you all anyways?!? You are the source of my pain. I see what you all have that I’ve never enjoyed. A social life, friendship, some symbiotic. I need you, you need me types. Not this one way thing that I tend to get where I’m there for someone but when I need them, the favor isn’t returned to me. I don’t know how y’all do it. Is it how I look? How I act? What’s wrong with me? Did I offend somebody? Am I not likable? Do I have a Kick Me sign on my back? A booger in my eye? Would all of that explain why I feel like such an afterthought…A late addition…A postscript…A tag along?

Hmm, on second thought, maybe it’s not your fault, people. Perchance I am finally seeing that another battle is being waged with my worst eneME…

Well…I’m not totally a bad potential friend. I think my heart is available to anyone that earns access to it. I am open and receptive to people; ready to love and be loved. So…what’s the problem? Am I a people pleaser? Do I try to “earn” friendships instead of “building” them? Am I jaded? Hurt by expecting too much from others to the point where I don’t let people get close? Naw…admittedly, I have been hurt. I have often expected too much. But I don’t really push people away like that. I usually just end up taking the pain in and living with it. Until I explode it fits of rage…kinda like this one where I speak my mind, BUT…don’t seek/find a suitable solution. Looks like I should stop waiting for a friend to prove themselves to me by saving me. I know that sounded selfish…

I need to look out for myself. I need to be my biggest priority. First things first, I gotta learn how to take a load off. The things that bind me up in my mind tend to get quite overwhelming when I don’t let them go.

I hope I haven’t scared you off with what I harbor in my head…I feel better now though. That’s not weighing me down anymore…

Amusement Park...

2010-03-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

^ This will be her last time on this ride ^

Standing in line for what seems like forever, it's finally my turn to hop on board. My heart rate begins to rise, as my emotions change from impatience to excitement. I'm ready to roll, my hands already reaching towards the sky, suspending all thoughts of fear, for the feeling that I hope is near is a thrill.

There's only thing ruining my euphoric high right now, and that's my best friend. I had to drag him into this line. He's not really into amusement parks. In fact, I wonder if he's let his fear of heights get to him. When we got on the ride, he immediately held onto the bar and closed his eyes. And we haven't even got moving yet...guess I won't ask him to ride it again...

I decided to write about this because I kinda hit a rough patch in life lately. Actually, been hitting these patches quite often, and I don't want them to be a staple of my day-to-day. Going through the motions, doing the same things, getting the same results, all adding up to not making any forward progress. I'm a grown man now, and I can't afford to stay still. There's too much I am purposed to put into motion in this world, and it seems like fear is making me cling to safety, not ride this coaster like you saw above, rather than reach and fight for my destiny.

I need to get in line before this amusement park called 'Life' closes. I need not waste my cost of admission (purpose). God could have invested it elsewhere, but I was chosen for this ride. Might as well raise my hands and expect a thrill...just a thought...

Teddy Bear..

2010-02-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

I think i caught myself this time. it's something i have always done this time of year. and this year, that moment of truth hit me as I walked into work yesterday after being away for four days (figures...I never get a weekend off): Roses, Teddy Bears, Chocolates, Hallmark Cards, Heart Shaped Balloons. Galore! Information Overload. Valentine's Day is near, and my heart started to sink in my chest yet again.

I had come to hate this day, and resent the lovers that celebrated it; the customers that went all out to spoil the boos they love. Manning the register, I smiled genuinely because that's what I should do. Part of me just wanted one opportunity to spoil someone intimately. Or have the notion returned. I'm a giver. Sometimes, I give to a fault - especially sometimes to folk that weren't/aren't planning on giving back to me. On top of that, I was stupid to believe that my giving to them would change those plans. Just stupid.

But last year, I did that. There was someone I just wanted to show some love to. So there was a teddy bear I saw them looking at one day. I bought it and I think they liked it!

LOL, wasn't that corny of me? Yeah, I bought myself a Valentine's gift. And now I see the significance of that decision. It's good to love yourself. Best feeling in the world actually! But I had been hell spent for the longest to have someone love me back, that I neglected the most important person in my life..me. So if you do or don't have a Valentine this year, don't forget to show some love to yourself. You'll feel all warm and snugly inside...LOL just a thought..

Habits...

2010-02-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

Habits. They balance out the ebb and flow of life. Some of them are positive - brushing your teeth, taking a shower; some of them, not so much - not making the bed, not taking out the garbage, leaving the toilet seat up (living with mom and sisters, I take heat for that last one often...). Some habits we were born into - going to church, celebrating Christmas; others we pick up over time as a means to cope - cheating, lying, smoking, drinking, etc.

What about the subconscious habits? The ones that reveal themselves not necessarily in what you do, but in how you speak or in what you think. For example, while you're in a bad mood, or after a bad day - Are you quick to anger? Easily frustrated? Plagued by low self-esteem? Hate to say it, but you've got a habit problem, as well. One thing I am still working on is self-hate. Can it be completely eliminated or only diminished? I told a friend of mine that we are oftentimes are own worst critics - the issue lies in how we respond to our critiques. Being careful with our response, sometimes, will eventually eliminate self-hate. Others may still be mindful of the potential hate, but not crippled by it.

I think it's safe to say that some habits are meant to be broken, and in turn, replaced with better ones. My bad habits at this point are too many to type, but there isn't anything on that list that I can't reverse the fate of. A friend of mine gave me a quote of the year a few days ago: "Complaining is voicing your concerns. Complaining with no action equals whining." (He should really write a book with this stuff.) Here's something I did last year. (TOO MUCH INFO alert) So...last year for Lent (40 days between Mardi Gras and Easter set aside for "pious" behavior), I decided to give up pornography. It wasn't even a raging issue of mine anymore (but it used to be, OMG!), or something I relied on during fits of excitement. Just...a pastime I did out of habit. It's amazing how much you realize how much you don't NEED something by simply going without it.

This month, I'm going without soda or fried foods. And I'm back to working out on a consistent basis. Any habits you'll feel like breaking? Anything you feel like starting new with? What you waiting on??

What's in a Dream?

2010-01-18T09:12:00.000-08:00

"Who's your opponent?
He doesn't exist!
Why does he not exist?
Because he is merely a dissenting voice to the truth I speak!"

I love that quote from the movie GREAT DEBATERS. Always have. One of these days, I'll be able to harness the strength within those words. Words that not only challenge the authority of an opponent (hater?) but also calls their mere existence into question. Not only do they not have any power against me, but I'm on a level that my opponent can't see me at. Wow. Yeah...I gotta get to that point.

And this is coming from me at a still controversial holiday that has yet to reach its potential. I do not intend to idolize Martin Luther King, Jr. but I definitely appreciate him for his dream and his wisdom. He was definitely beyond his time with his approach. I cannot rival Dr. King's ability to appeal to one's character in order to bring about change in the world, in the community, in our individual selves. His dream also covered his opposition, even in spite of them. Call him crazy, call him hopeless, call him meek/weak for that. They did. It was bold to me.

On that note, I say continue to dream. I recall on Senior Yearbook Day back in '05, a classmate wrote rather clever if not biting remarks to me. He said, "I look forward to your return home next semester (from Yale)...after you flunk out." Dude had some big balls saying that. At the time, it didn't affect me all too much. I had come to expect such from him, so I laughed it off, but it stuck with me, no lie. I had no intention/desire whatsoever of failing in anything that I did, ESPECIALLY not something school-related; that's my sweet spot. But then...I failed. Not that following semester, but halfway through my junior year at the end of 2007, I was indeed back home. And indeed, those demeaning words tormented me, echoing in my head. But what he said to me was foolish. So I'd be a fool to let his words cripple me right?

This week, I'll be back in school again after a two-year hiatus. My classmates have already graduated. You could say that my moment of opportunity has passed. That would make you my opponent. And if you recall, you don't exist.

Worst EneME

2009-12-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

Was talking to a friend about confidence/swagger/what not and its limitations a few days back. At least what I thought its limitations were. I thought that confidence without limits was vanity. I also felt that my confidence was dictated and limited by how I was perceived me to be, physically, mentally, otherwise. But then my friend shut me down with this: "U shouldn't let another person's philosophy dictate ur esteem and worth." Simple enough, right?

But then it sunk in yesterday after church. One of my pastors was giving me a pep talk, bringing light to my God-given gifts and talents, and how the responsibility to let them flourish was on me. Simple words again to me: "Can't Nobody stop me but me." So let it be known. My enemy for years has been me. It's about time for that inner fight to end.

Below is something I wrote a few months back. Poetic piece called "Mirror Mirror..". I thought it fit perfect with this entry.

________

“Each one of us requires the spur of insecurity to force us to do our best.” - Harold W. Dodds

Waking up every day, greeted by a new sunrise.
Stumbling half-sleep to the mirror. There's your face.
I don't despise it,
But sometimes, I see things I could replace.
Is it foolish to even notice the things you wish looked better?
What truly motivates our desires for self-improvement? Is it a necessity to survive or something we eventually flaunt?
Is it a desperate need or a selfish want?
Why must I squeeze into the size 34 when what fits is the 38?
Do we wanna look great? Hmm...do we want others to validate that?
So we don't feel as fat as society says we are?

Insecurities lies deeper than the cellulite on your frame,
twisted up in that grey matter that we call a brain.
So as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
So do my self-defacing thoughts dictate the image that I see?
You're smart, you're gifted, you're handsome, you smile.
You're wise like a preacher, but goofy like a child.
So why all this fuss about this insecure stuff?
Just be who God made you, bulky or buff...
that outer don't matter, it's mostly for show.
But if your heart's truly genuine, your real friends will know.

What friends? Don't have many...could count them on my hand.
But if I needed more than one (hand), would that guarantee more fun?
Not really. I've been a part of a group of friends, a family. A posse.
But then things really did get lonely, especially when that "family" decided to disown me.
But why am I still concerned about friend quantity, when it's just a number?

Why am I asking all of these questions? Am I trying to confuse myself?
Am I confused? Am I alone feeling confused? Am I by myself?
Yeah, right. We all have insecure moments. Times when we think less of ourselves than we ought.
It's a feeling I know too well. But this time, instead of sulking, I fought.
Fought the urge to steal away, hiding from my own self-doubts.
But I can't keep lying to you and me, gotta let these doubts out.
So instead of breaking this mirror's glass, I'll stare at it some more.
Can't expect you to see much in me, if me seeing it is a chore.

Tic Toc...

2009-12-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to my late grandfather, Bobby M. Brown, Sr. (April 20, 1942 – December 1, 2008)

Wow, it’s December already. Man, how a year flies by. It just seems like yesterday when I was awaken at 7am with the news. And with it, time seemed to pause for a moment.

Death has a way of forcing us to look at our lives under a microscope, especially when the one you lost is a part of who you are. Up until when my grandfather passed on this day last year, I had managed twenty years living without experiencing an immediate loss in my family. And truth be told, the dominoes couldn’t have fallen at a better time. I was going through a motion-led part of my life, one year removed from my academic fallout. Conceding an Ivy League education to work retail was not part of the plan, yet I was going along with it, each day an underachievement in the minds of my family and myself. My grandfather was really gone, yet mentally, I was just as dead – a living zombie taking for granted the purpose and life God created this body for.

So now, a year later, I pause again. As the rain trickles down my window, I can say that my shine in 2009 was shaded a bit by clouds I put there. Having made some moves in the right direction but not seeing them completely through. I have a love/hate relationship with my job. While I’m grateful to have one, let it be known that when I am able to quit, I won’t ever return to retail again. My paycheck being at the mercy of store sales is the worst feeling. Can’t say the same for all my co-workers, but I don’t have to be stuck there the rest of my life. It all depends on me though. I just gotta make it.

The junior college I started taking classes at in January was as beneath me as the grades I got there that semester. LOL that’s not the best mindset to have when trying to progress. My thoughts were the exact opposite as a Yale student. Second-guessing whether or not I fit with such elite company, even though my admission there proved I belonged. Year one didn’t come as easily as it had before I got there. So I psyched myself out of believing that I was capable of succeeding—stopped going to a lot of my classes during my sophomore year, and shortly thereafter, stopped going to school there altogether (by force, of course). I had failed for the first time in a long time. Truth be told, it hurts to let an opportunity like that slip, but to downgrade what I expect from myself because of it would be worse. I see that now. I will be back at my junior college taking classes in January 2010, just trying to make something happen. Not going down without a fight.

So this woosah, this Selah, this pause of mine was necessary. Looking back, I see that used my time wisely in spots, and wasted it in others this year. Looking forward, I’m gonna make the effort not to let my miscues stop my movement, especially since they don’t stop the time. Despite the strings God pulls during the day-to-day, the seconds continue to tick. We must do the same thing. End the pause and press play! Be ble$$ed.